“I went inside my heart to see how it was.
Something there makes me hear the whole world weeping.”
- Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks
~
Some days, for no discernible reason, I feel like weeping. Uncontrollably. It’s a curious phenomenon and I look at this feeling in me with curiousness.
Is it because of the past? “Well, that’s in the past, Gigi,” I tell myself gently. “No need to go there anymore. That shit’s happened. Over. Finito.”
Is it the present? “In the present you are happy, are you not? Gigi? Are you not happy?” Yes, I am. I know it.
So?
What it is and where it comes from, I do not know. I do know that over these past months it doesn’t come often, this feeling, and when it does come, it does not tarry. Which is good.
And I, I neither repress the feeling nor avoid it, but I don’t cry. I never cry. The feeling I allow, acting on it I don’t. It could be because the sadness has an all-encompassing quality about it, and I don’t want to spend time and expend energy weeping uncontrollably and without surcease.
I’ve had this happen before, seven years ago, when I had occasion to experience a harrowing delayed reaction from my visit and journey back from Australia into the middle of Wyoming’s long and deep and dark winter season. Alone, isolated, abandoned, attacked on all fronts of love, I relaxed into a slow unraveling. To date, it holds pole position as the worst time in my life.
This current feeling is not singular. Not the byproduct of any event or person or series, thereof. The intensity isn’t there either, the sharpness. And the implosive bone-crushing quality. But the overwhelming nature of it, yes, that’s there. It’s curious.
From whence does it emanate? And why? And since it is less and less frequent, does that mean eventually it will not come at all?
Hi G,
For me when I break out in tears…, it’s usually the damned onions I’m cleaning !!!
On a serious note, Sometimes just a lot of little disappointments or frustrations that bulld up over time accumulate to a point where they need release. I’m like you in that I really don’t come to tears, but do have these little periods of (for lack of a better word) sadness. I’ve come to believe it’s just a natural part of life. You can’t be on top of the mountain all of the time. Sometimes you end up in the valley. What you do there and how long you stay is up to you. Personally, I don’t like valleys that much.
Ok. It’s after hours now…, and the doctor is leaving the office. Be good to yourself !
Paul
I hear that if you keep a matchstick in your mouth with the striking end out, then no tears whilst peeling onions.
I am in full agreement as to what one chooses to do in the valley and how long one wishes to stay there – and I, too, am not that enamored with valley life.
Still, valleys have equal validity as mountaintops. We never question nor try to avoid happy moments, so sadness and all its attendants are part of the human experience, too.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
In my world I perceive tears as a gift, and I never miss an opportunity to cry. I learned a few years ago that whatever I feel is what I feel. Oftentimes, I feel sad and without knowing why I give vent to tears. What is required of me is not necessarily to know why, but to honor and trust what I feel
Our body produces tears for a reason and so I let them flow. I’m sharing this from my perspective, realizing that what is true for me is not necessarily true for everyone else.
I enjoy your blog. Thanks for sharing your life with us.
Hi Brenda
As I wrote, I don’t block the feeling, I just don’t cry me a river no more. I’ve done that, I don’t want to continue doing that – it’s a choice on my part to just feel the feeling with curious observation, but without acting on it.
Consider an analogy – anger as opposed to sadness, where one feels anger, is aware of feeling angry, but does not act on the angry feeling, allowing it to dissipate naturally.
People often seem to find the anger example perfectly acceptable, but not the ‘not crying’ bit. Neither example has to do with repression or avoidance, as noted in the piece, only detached observation of the subjective feeling.
Don’t think I’ve never cried. I have, a lot, several small rivers over the years, and I do think it’s healthy and healing. With this current feeling, I just observe it, am aware of it, rather than lose myself in it.
I know what you write about and it is true and good.
Thank you for your kindness and wisdom.
Gigi
I hear you and honor your wisdom and your beautiful, kind walk. Thank you.
This is an amazingly insightful and heartfelt post ~ Thank You! It comforts me to know I’m not the only one who sometimes feels so much, too much, to contain… and this even before learning of any particular event. Sometimes we simply have to let it all out… Thank you, again, for this beautiful sharing. It has really touched my heart. Namaste. ~Gina
Wow! Thank you, Gina.
Your words and sentiments are immensely rewarding.
G
Not all of those kinds of feelings are purely emotional; some are biochemical. If that’s the case it may not be a bad idea to discuss these feelings with your doctor. Gigi, I apologize if I’m speaking out of turn, but I had the same experience.For no reason tears started falling when I was in the supermarket and other implausible places. My doctor prescribed a mild medication which got me over the hump of whatever the crisis was at the time.
Hi Ronnie,
No need to apologize.
I’ve never been on any medication to alleviate feelings. It’s all been situational, and then the situation passes. There appears to be some residual sadness, which I feel is quite natural. No doubt it’ll run its course.
Thanks for reading and your kind feedback. Much appreciated.
G
This post is boneshakingly insightful … personal yet universal.
“But the overwhelming nature of it, yes, that’s there. It’s curious.
From whence does it emanate? And why?”
Your words point perhaps to a sort of phantom limb … the loss being the whole and complete life experience you were capable of and destined for. The not-becoming of what you truly are.
Sail on into your passage through life, and keep sharing with the voyagers.
This is a perfect understanding and articulation of what it is. Your words resonate with my experience of this feeling.
Thanks!
G
Gigi,
A powerful, powerful post.
And Sailor’s response here seems dead on to me. When I have those moments, standing at the sink and breaking into tears, I sense that it is all about me, about my grief for the way of being that I can’t seem to hold. Perhaps, as Sailor puts it, for the “not becoming of what you truly are.”
Gigi, for me this is one of your most important and meaningful posts. And if we are right in our understanding of this experience, the fact that you sense these moments as coming “less and less frequent” seems important- and hopeful. Perhaps a sign of a greater shift.
Thanks to you for the post- and to Sailor for the insightful reply.
Tom
Thanks, Tom, for the thoughtful reply.
Yes, there’s definite grief there, maybe at a perceived loss of the potential for self.
I hold a knowing feeling that these moments are on the wane and eventually will be no more.
G
Very well done.
Thanks, TWD!
Beautiful post Gigi…thank you.
Thank you, J. Means a lot.
G