“Writing is a struggle against silence.”
- Carlos Fuentes
Weeping today.
Sitting at the rockery I’ve created under the tree in my mother’s yard, weeping. At the realization, anew, that the ones who were supposed to protect me since infancy, as an only daughter and an only sister, later an only sister-in-law, and a niece, were the very people from whom I needed to be protected. The irony of familial abuse.
It’s still happening today. Even now. And I know with a grief-stricken surety that it will continue without surcease until, one by one, we all fall off this earthly perch. Thus it is. Thus it shall always be. And I accept it. Finally. Truly.
But that’s not why I’m weeping, raw, in front of my nonjudgmental floral audience. I am undone by the old pictures of me from those days and years – so many years – experiencing then what I still am today.
How did she get through it? I wonder and marvel. With that radiant smile on her face, most of the time, behind which hid the pain. I knew that pain. Intimately. Viscerally. Deep invisible psychic scars of the heart.
I weep for that. The unnecessary pity of it all.
And I weep for her.
The her that just happens to be me.
Smilin’ Gigi
Thanks for dropping by and liking my posts. Yours radiate from the heart. Look there and greet the strength that has supported you along the path. You are here today because you are strong. Good journey to you.
Namasté
Thank you so much!
G
Such a blessing to be able to smile : )
Tru dat!
Thanks for your comment.
G
Gigi,
As I imagine you sitting in that refuge, awash in tears, I feel sadness and wish for a greater capacity to somehow help make those tears, and the terrible memories that trigger them, dry up and go away.
But then I stop and know that your moment in that garden was as real and as exquisite as a moment can be. Why would I wish for you to have existed in any other way at that moment? Without that moment, would you have broken the silence by this writing? Who would you be if you somehow lost that moment, if you somehow washed away the memories that stalk you?
And here you are. Still standing, still weeping, still feeling intensely, and putting it down and sending it out, winning- at least for this moment- the struggle that Fuentes describes. How many of us ever really win that struggle? We don’t write honestly, we skate to the edge of the thin ice and veer back, with great style and mastery but without really taking the risk that you take here.
If I weep, I weep for myself, for the void in courage, for the pretty way I string words together, for the way that I take the reader with me right to that edge and then skate off. When will I finally do something that is as strong and right as what you have done here?
Your example leaves me bereft, right now. But as I feel the sun’s warmth through the window, I feel an energy and strength that might come to me full force. And when that happens, your writing will not leave me bereft but instead be a beacon, the example of what comes from courage.
Tom
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” *
Do not feel bereft, my dear friend.
Your own writings and thoughts and feelings – even your skating (giggle) – illuminate obvious mastery and grace.
I know, as do so many others, the positively beaconesque (more giggles) quality your writing has brought to our hearts and minds. Do you not remember ‘Against the Cabin Wall,’ and the inimitable ‘Gone But Not Gone’? I do. They exhibit your courage. No void there.
Your as-always insightful and generous response to my writing brought much solace to a still-recovering heart.
Many thanks, and aloha nui, Tom
Gigi
* Theodore Roosevelt
How beautiful that you are honoring and loving the you that came into the world with much love and potential. She so deserves it!
Hurt arising from the words and actions of one’s birth family is extremely painful, esp when the hurt is intentionally directed in an effort to control, esp control thru judgement and rejection.
Parents who need control over their offspring are really only extending their ego, which eclipses their parental love.
Power without love is immoral; love without power is pathetic. How can you empower that young woman in the photo, how can you empower you, so that your love of parents does not cause you to be so debilitated?
Power becomes isolated in abusing, love becomes isolated in abuse; when either is completely without the other.
Forgive them, love yourself, and move on, move back onto the path of becoming self.
sailor
Hallo sailor. (Guffaw).
Thanks for your response.
More and more self-love naturally translates to forgiveness – of oneself, of others.
I’m back on the path of becoming my true self, excavating more love for self along the way – the way is paved with love.
Still, it’ll be a heck of a lot easier when that path is in Hawai’i!
Aloha
Gigi
If they were trying to drag you down they didn’t succeed – keep smiling Gigi
I will! Definitely. My smile is one of my best features, after all. (Giggle).
And if I endeavor (successfully) to smile, even when I don’t feel like it, I always make myself feel better. This I know already. It’s a self-administered placebo with a 100% success rate.
Thanks for caring, Michele.
Big hugs
G
Wishing I could give you a big hug and take away some of that pain, G. I think I understand it pretty well. Won’t go into the reasons, but know that my heart goes out to you.
Take care of yourself and be happy,
Paul
Your words felt like a big hug, Paul. So, many thanks.
The truth is, I did it to myself; the hurt got me, and I got lost in the pain.
It was good to write about it as meaningful craft. It was even better to receive such a wellspring of understanding and caring. Quite the balm for the me that was hurting in isolation.
I signed up for this, with both eyes and heart (well, only one heart) open; I signed up for Brisbane and family experience.
Hopefully, it’ll be a tough final examination, one in which I’ve learned to examine myself comprehensively; and thusly, springboarded myself into living in the cracks of duality; that is, feeling all of the hurt whilst simultaneously remaining detached – subject and observer.
It’s ultimate freedom! – exhilarating when it happens. But, like I said, I got lost. Badly. Family always have those hidden but familiar rapiers, and it is I who allow family to wield them with great effect.
Thanks again, Paul, for the cyber hug.
G
When you find and create your ultimate observer, you will be free in your new reality, free of that anguished pain which was created for you by another voice, in a different time and space…from one who knows.
No problem…, anytime !
Ghosts from the past haunt us like shadows of darkness, appearing unexpectedly at the most inopportune times. With fluid tears, in a river of sorrow, we wash away the presence of the past and strive to live in today, in the moment, as our energy is renewed with each new breath. Dark familial history is the most difficult, but, again, with each life giving breath we move forward, enjoying each moment and appreciating the gifts of life and earth we have been given. What grace it is to have this appreciation. Gaze not on the shadows, but on the light of your true being. To feel the power of Love and Gratitude is the source of our lifelong joy.
Thanks, John, for taking the time to write this. How true it is, all of it.
I am grateful for being given the opportunity to feel the pain, so I may lift myself out of its darkness, and fill myself with light and love.
Aloha nui
Gigi
Gigi, I wish very much to thank you. I haven’t felt the inspiration to write on my own blog for many months but I posted my response to you on my own blog and on my fb page. I did this because your own writing is so sincere and heartfelt that I was compelled to reach deep and find the inspiration and correct words of response. Thank you for that.
Your story triggered thoughts of a couple of close friends with a very dark and difficult familial history and I wanted to try and provide just a little inspiration for them.
Today, by chance, I ran across the following words which hopefully will be comforting for you:
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” . . ./ Washington Irving
Some of our lessons are so difficult, stay strong, love to you.
Thanks, Terry. Much love to you, also.
Skiing at Targhee must have helped in staying strong, eh!
Warmest to you and Mike
G
This is beautiful and very poignant. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Brenda.
“Poignant” is such a nice compliment for this piece.
I appreciate it.
G
A beautiful writing, and if this happened to you, I’m sorry. So many unhealthy people in the world, for all sorts of reasons. May the all spirit bless, heal and bring you inner peace.
Thanks for the compliment and well wishes. I’ve signed up for some hard learning, I suppose. Hopefully the excruciating personal pain illuminates the way for me to be a more enlightened Gigi.
Gigi, I think so. The unfortunate and excruciating sharpens us if we don’t die all the way. That seed that remains is brilliant and more powerful than anyone, including ourselves can ever expect. I look forward to sharing a piece of that path with you, as you travel down it vis-a-vis this blog.
Gigi, what a troubling post. I have no idea what caused you to find yourself in this terrible position, but II know firsthand the pain of being lied to and fooled by the closest one to me. Is there anything worse?
They say to forgive and forget or the pain will remain with you, but even if I could forgive,I certainly could never forget, and the relationship will always have that awareness. But it can make you stronger, as it did me, because you realize that you can manage without those who hurt you. You may never trust so deeply again, but is that so bad? You learn to be self-sufficient and able to cope without leaning of them for support.
Good luck, Gigi.
I guess it’s the experience of betrayal, Ronnie, and all the attendant machinations.
Forgiveness is an acceptance of the situation and the person(s); it is freeing. When one forgives, there’s more unimpeded energy flow in the heart.
As for forgetting, I guess I do forget, because each time I trust again, then I get knocked down, and trust, then … But not forgetting, or awareness, keeps me more present without expectations. I make myself less vulnerable, therefore, to being surprised and getting slayed repeatedly. It’s just not very emotionally intelligent to keep doing this to myself.
A sad, sorry Sisyphean business.
But, I’m new now!
Harsh lessons carry the kernel of transformation and liberation.
Thank you so much for your kind words, obvious personal understanding, and ‘chin up-ness.’ (Giggle).
Aloha nui
Gigi
*smiles* If you trust no one, no one is trustworthy.
Beautiful and heartfelt post Gigi….thank you.
Thanks, J.
Tough times, opportunities for further enlightenment.
G