“Build, therefore, your own world.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing’s changed, yet everything feels different.
A gift from my mother, befittingly.
The ultimate present.
It’s interesting, in an ironical way, how I feel the most hurt by the ones embedded deepest in my heart. Which makes them the very ones wielding the most potential for allowing my heart intelligence to shine most brightly.
I went spiraling down, for a week out of my mind with grief, the-straw-that- broke-the-camel’s-back kinda grief. Like in the past when I’ve realized, at some sudden point, that I’m no longer in love. Grief and freedom. Emotional freedom.
So when I came to, everything was not the same.
Because I was not.
G.,
The snow has returned here. Very windy this morning, so my snowflakes are dancing sideways past my window.
I have read your recent posts this morning and have been reflecting on them. I keep returning to the Emerson quote. We must “build our world” or others will build one for us. For you to be with your mother in her place, for such an extended stay, it must be very hard to hold your sense of self, to not get swallowed up again in her projection of who you are and who you are not.
I have come to understand that families often, maybe always, create mythologies around each other. The father is the controlling, self-centered person, Son A is the dutiful one, Daughter B is the rebel, and so on. It’s not a coincidence that the mythologies are often so dissonant with the reality. The “rebel” daughter may work harder at pleasing the parents than the “good” son. The “selfish” parent has actually boxed up his own sense of self to become what others expect of him. And so on.
I don’t think this is coincidence because when a mother or father, or sibling, set out to create and sustain the mythology around the other family member, they are doing so out of their own insecurity and so the reality of the other’s existence must be contorted to a less worthy conception.
This helps me understand why being with family can feel so often like a blessing and a burden. Why I look forward to family gatherings and view them with great trepidation. Sometimes it feels like entering a quiet storm where my sense of self and my centeredness are being buffeted again and again.
You can see that reading your posts triggers in me many thoughts. Empathy for your struggle in that place. And connections to my own life. Thoughts swirling like the snowflakes out there.
But to take these moments, this snowy morning here, and read a great writer and feel connected to a good soul, is my great blessing. So all good here.
Hold strength- and keep posting those pics that make me laugh too. Laughter is a great release.
Tom
Dear Tom
How did you manage to be so accurate!
Paragraphs 3 and 4 are very true. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to please my parents – a foot in both camps, achieving and accomplishing for them whilst also trying to live the life I wanted; naturally, a lose-lose situation for both parties.
Since I didn’t abdicate wholly, the image of daughter has been contorted, as you say; the truth relentlessly manipulated to present her as unworthy, not good, ungrateful, a disappointment … on the foundations of self-righteousness and justified abuse.
I feel like I’m going through the last struggles before I set myself free, embracing my authentic life completely. There’s still enormous sadness present, like the dying that has to take place before the rebirth.
Thank you so much for your compliments, especially “good soul.” I am always surprised by such descriptions – shows how deeply the image of one as being “bad” is ingrained.
Your words, your time, and your sentiments are appreciated beyond measure.
Aloha nui
Gigi
Hi GG
Just a quick hello and to ask how you’re doing…., and to present this:
You have been awarded the “Versatile Blogger Award”. Please visit my site for details.
Paul
Hi Paul
Doing good, my friend! Thanks for asking.
And thanks for the award!
Aloha
G
Actually I have a degree from SFU (Economics) but took lots of English courses which I loved.
Huh, fancy that! And I ended up with a ‘dismal science’ degree from ANU.
I hear you, Gigi. I’ve stood in those shoes with my family and other loved ones. Ouch. Hugs, Brenda
Ouch, indeed, eh!
Thanks, Brenda.
G
For Gigi
On this beautiful Earth, it is now a time of great transition and evolution. We are each given what is required for us to move on in the correct direction.
For the pure in heart, difficulties turn into blessings with the realization that the only true lifelong friend we have is our own breath and inner heartfelt love that transcends all adversity. When we consciously acknowledge this inner friend we prepare ourselves for the rest of our life journey that we know we must take. When we discover that inner peace, our true friend, the journey is one of blissful joy filled with gratitude for the life we have been given.
Hang in there. I have a feeling you are destined for much greater things. Keep close to you those for whom you have great respect and let the others slowly fade into the past as you merge with the lightness of your own being.
In this existence of infinite possibilities, all dreams can come true.
. . ./J
You’ve done it again – thanks: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151226564825669&l=f76b2911a5
Oops! Kinda reminds me of that Britney Spears song.
Thank you, John, for your kind words. I appreciate them and they warm the proverbial cockles.
Joy and humor are creeping back in once more – my twin friends. And gratitude, that seems to be a constant these days, for which I am so, um, grateful.
I just discovered that you’re in Vancouver. Many many first cousins there, and I have visited your fair city often, especially during my university years.
Almost went to Simon Fraser, actually, to study fine arts, but you know those pesky infinite possibilities …
Aloha nui, my friend
Gigi